My Brain May Be Struggling, But My Heart Works Just Fine
This might be something you need to hear if you're feeling scattered and frustrated with losing your words, your sharpness and your edges in perimenopause.
My school friends and I are in a WhatsApp group and one of them shared the other day that she'd accidentally put Fairy Non-Bio into her hot chocolate velvetiser. A classic perimenopausal thing to do.
The other day I couldn't think of the words "antique shop". The best my brain could come up with was "a vintage shop with plates and furniture."
I constantly misplace things, struggle to retain information, forget PIN numbers, passwords and verbal instructions. I lose my train of thought. I walk into rooms and have absolutely no idea why I'm there. I bought tickets to see Ray Lamontagne, completely forgot I’d bought them and bought them again then wondered why my partner wasn’t excited when I text ‘We’re going to see Ray Lamontagne!’. ( It’s OK I managed to sell the second lot).
The word thing really gets to me because one skill I used to pride myself on was being able to articulate things quite well. I had a good vocabulary. I even have a degree in English. Words were my thing. Now? Not so much.
I'm sure you'll have your own version of this brain fog. It's bloody frustrating. I know.
What If Something Else Is Growing?
When my friend said about the fairy velvetiser, I replied that whilst my brain may be struggling, my heart works just fine. As does hers.
And I truly believe this.
What I seem to lack in brain function these days, I make up for in compassion and feeling things REALLY deeply (maybe too deeply, although I don't actually think there is such a thing). In fact, if anything, that capacity seems to be growing.
I do wonder if increased depth of feeling is another symptom - or perhaps gift, of perimenopause.
After all, just like puberty, our hormones are fluctuating wildly. We hear about mood swings, rage, tears, brain fog and all the ways our bodies and minds seem to be changing. But I hear less conversation about what might be growing alongside all of that.
The tenderness. The intuition. The inability to tolerate what once seemed tolerable. The sudden clarity about what matters and what doesn't.
Many women say they care less during perimenopause and perhaps that's true. But I also wonder whether caring less about pleasing everyone, meeting expectations and keeping the peace creates more space to care deeply about the things that genuinely matter.
The Triple (or Quadruple) Whammy
I want to introduce another vital ingredient to the mix: what Johann Hari calls Stolen Focus.
We are constantly distracted, bombarded and overstimulated by all the things, all of the time. The pings and notifications. The WhatsApps. The emails. The doom scrolling that feels like a choice we should be able to simply stop but often becomes an addictive cycle we feel strangely powerless over. The clickbait. The cheap and fast dopamine hits ( makes me feel a bit dirty saying that!).
All of this does something to our brains and contributes to the mush that perimenopause seems to exacerbate. Or perhaps it's the other way round.
Either way, it feels like a particularly unfair double hitter for our generation.
And then there's another term I learnt recently at a Royal Society of Arts lecture on Disinformation and Democracy: menticide.
Menticide means "the systematic and intentional undermining or destruction of a person's conscious mind, will, or mental independence."
A cheerful little concept, I know.
Now before I disappear down a conspiracy rabbit hole (I'll save that for another post), it did make me think about how much information we are exposed to compared to previous generations.
A few decades ago people may have read a newspaper once a day or watched the evening news. Now we are consuming information, opinions, outrage and content twenty-four hours a day. It's relentless.
And for some of us, ADHD symptoms start to arrive or intensify during perimenopause too. What the actual fuck?
A triple whammy. Maybe even a quadruple one. Perimenopause. Stolen focus. Information overload. ADHD.
No wonder we can't remember where we left our keys. No wonder we lose words. No wonder all the cupboard doors in my kitchen are left open. No wonder we feel mentally stretched. No wonder women are apparently the stronger sex.
Heart Smart
So what can we do?
I'm sure there are many things we can do to increase our brain capacity and much has already been written about this. There are supplements, nutrition protocols, social media detoxes, sudoku, brain training apps and countless experts with advice.
And I'm genuinely not dismissing any of that. In fact, I'd definitely recommend reading Stolen Focus.
What I'm interested in here, though, is cultivating something else.
Our heart-smart.
We spend so much time trying to optimise our brains, yet perhaps there is another form of intelligence available to us.
Growing up, my dad used to tell me there were two types of clever - book smart and street smart and according to him I was both ( thanks Dad!).
The book-smart bit made sense. I loved reading, writing and understanding people.
The street-smart bit took me longer to appreciate. Perhaps it came from growing up on an Essex council estate in the 80’s. Perhaps it came from learning how to read people, navigate different environments and trust my instincts. Perhaps it came from living in a high conflict home where I learnt to be attuned to every shift in mood from my parents. ( thanks for that too, Dad!) Perhaps it came from understanding that not everything important can be learnt from a book.
Either way, my dad recognised something in me that I probably took for granted.
We've always known there are different kinds of intelligence.
There's intellectual intelligence. Emotional intelligence. Social intelligence. Creative intelligence. Practical intelligence ( this one definitely isn’t my bag).
And perhaps what I'm calling heart-smart sits somewhere amongst all of these.
A way of knowing that doesn't always arrive through logic, analysis or evidence.
A wisdom that comes through intuition, empathy, compassion, creativity and lived experience.
And perhaps if perimenopause is taking us a little further away from one kind of intelligence, it might also be bringing us closer to another.
Ancient Wisdom in a Modern World
One that is already within us. One that may even be expanding as our hormones change.
Our brains may feel like they're heading into atrophy (and let's be honest, some days other parts of us seem to be too), but perhaps our hearts are blossoming.
When we are heart-led, we don't need to rely solely on brain power.
Call it feminine intuition.
Call it gut instinct.
Call it empathy.
Call it connection to your inner wisdom.
Call it connection to the universe or a power greater than yourself.
Whatever language resonates, most of us know what it feels like.
That quiet knowing beneath the noise.The thing that tells us when something is right before we can explain why.
This isn't new. It's ancient.
And perhaps it's needed now more than ever.
Cultivating Your Heart Smart
So how do we cultivate our heart-smart?
Here are a few ideas:
Spend time with people who inspire and ignite you.
Have better conversations.
Read long-form. Actual books.
As Matt Haig writes:
"Reading isn't important because it helps you get a job. It's important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you're given. It is how humans merge. How minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape. Reading is love in action."
Write it out. Morning pages are magic.
Seek out humanity-invoking experiences.
Even through film and television. I can highly recommend life-affirming shows and films such as Pride, Shrinking, Derek and Ted Lasso.
Make time for wonder.
Hang out with children and animals.
Be kind (not just nice) often.
Give people grace.
Stop outsourcing your trust and decision-making ( this one takes a while!)
Be creative. Use your brain in different ways and your heart too.
Do more of what you love.
Avoid situations that repeatedly cause resentment.
And yes, do the sudoku as well.
Maybe That's the Point
We know all this, of course. None of it is groundbreaking. Most of us could probably write this list ourselves. But perhaps that's the point.
In a world that constantly demands our attention, our opinions, our outrage and our productivity, maybe the real work isn't finding another life hack. Maybe it's remembering what makes us human. Whilst we do what we can to support our brains, perhaps we can stop measuring our worth solely by how productive, efficient or sharp we are.
Perhaps there is another intelligence available to us. One that lives in compassion, intuition, creativity, empathy, connection and wisdom.
My brain may not be what it once was. But my heart? My heart works just fine.
In fact, I think it might be getting stronger which reminds me of one of my favourite Rupi Kauer poems:
What is stronger
than the human heart
which shatters over and over
and still lives
(And no, you don't have to be a perimenopausal woman to cultivate your heart-smart. You just might have a slight head start if you are.)