On Community
Lately I've discovered something. My soul has been craving community and now I've got it it feels so good!
I work for myself by myself and although my day is full of positive and meaningful connections with clients ( albeit virtually) it's a different feel from being in a group of people with a common focus.
I have been attending weights and HIIT classes locally with Katie at True You Fitness , she absolutely deserves some recognition for creating such a wonderful community. I have been made to feel so welcome and yesterday I was chuffed to receive an invite to go wild swimming with some of the women in the group. Making friend in your 40's isn't that easy! I don't have kids and so the school mum option isn't available to me. Even though most of the women in the class do have kids and many of them are connected through the school I don't feel like an outsider. This is quite big for me as often I can feel isolated in groups when talk of the kids is the focus ( and fair enough - they take up a huge chunk of people's lives!).
I really look forward to my evening and Saturday morning classes, that warmth of interaction and of course the camaraderie of groans about how hard some of the exercises are. I attended another bootcamp in South West London where my partner lives and it was a whole different experience. It felt cliquey and took me right back to being in the school playground feeling sad and excluded. I'm sure I actually regressed into my shy 5 year old self which didn't help matters. I stopped going after a while ( even though some of the people did talk to me in the end).
When I look back at some of the happiest periods in my life it's been when I have felt a sense of community. Pre- pandemic I used to have a yoga crew who I absolutely loved and sadly the studio closed. Much to my delight I recommended Katie's class to one of my old yoga pals and she now goes too!
I'm also finding community thanks to Becki , the co- owner of a business local to me Yoga Leggs and Kat King who's small Kundalini yoga events I've attended with some lovely women who I don't know yet but feel good in their company. I'm looking forward to more of these.
If I were to describe the feeling of being in community it really is like being lit up inside. Feeling accepted, welcome and accepted is a part of our motivation as human beings. We are social creatures craving connection. The lock down surely affirmed this when we weren't able to hug or see people. So many people have mentally suffered from the lack of it. In Johann Hari's brilliant book “Lost Connections - why you're depressed and how to find hope” he cites disconnection from other people as one of the main factors of modern depression. He shares studies where participants were rejected or shunned by people planted into their experiment. They tested the level of these people’s stress hormones and found that becoming acutely lonely was as stressful as experiencing a physical attack.
The following quote by positive psychologist Jonathan Haidt also really resonated with me “human beings are 90% chimp and 10 % bee”
He has done extensive research into how humans continue to evolve from our individualistic primate ancestors to deeply cooperative human beings and said:
“Chimpanzees, in particular, are very good at competing with each other, but not so good at working together as a team. They can be kind, they can show sympathy, but scientists can always explain those traits in terms of how the behaviour benefits the individual chimp or its kin. Like chimps, we humans were shaped by individual-level forces.”
By contrast, bees are the ultimate 'team players' – one for all, and all for one ‘evolved to bind together for the good of the hive’.
Great things can be achieved with like minded people - we know this. I'm reminded of the gorgeous film 'Pride' ( go and watch it if you haven't seen it) based on the true story of the Welsh Miners’ strike in 1984 and how a group of lesbians and gay activists in London decide to support them. What transpires is a beautiful and unlikely alliance between the 2 groups. The closing scenes reveal that consequently the Labour Party incorporated rights for gays and lesbians in their party programme due in part to a massive vote lodged by the National Union of Mineworkers. Solidarity on both sides - I’m actually tearing up as I write. Many of my favourite films feature all sorts of unlikely people coming together -it takes a village as the saying goes. Check out It’s A Wonderful Life, Silver Linings Playbook, Little Miss Sunshine, The Breakfast Club, Bend it Like Beckham, The Help, Slumdog Millionaire and the brilliant series Ted Lasso - I could go on!
From personal experience, I can say we all need connection and community to a degree, some need it less than others, granted. I didn't know just how much I was missing it until I found it again and I'm not letting it go know. In fact, lately I've been motivated to create more community myself and am in the process of collaborating with 2 women on 2 different projects which will generate community - watch this space!
No man ( or woman) is an island and I’ll leave you with this - how can you cultivate community? I’d love to hear what works for you or any ideas you have.
Kate x